God. Oh God oh God oh God. I have so much to write about and only about 5% of it is good.

I will start by where the worst weekend of my life to date started. Yeah, that's a good place to start.

A couple of weekends ago I wrote Boyfriend a letter pretty much telling him that it hurt my feelings he hasn't been over to see me in three weeks and that I wanted to see him etc..

Thursday I get home from play practice and mom gives me a letter he dropped off for me.

"Lori,

Well, I'm writing this because you're right, it's easier to write about something than it is to say it. I'm glad you are doing so well with your artwork, but I always knew you were good at art though. And I don't want to be mean with what I'm about to say and I hope you don’t hate me forever for it, but I don't want to go out anymore. Although I don't really know why you would be all that mad because you should be with someone you can talk about you feelings with, or at least that’s how I feel. Since we can't do that I don't think we should be together. I don't think you'll be a vegetable because I'm not great or anything, and our relationship hasn't been very good, and I guess that's why I haven’t came and seen you or the last couple weeks. I haven't wanted to go out but I couldn't tell you because it was too hard so I'm telling you with the only way I can, I'm writing it. I'm sorry it's all jumbled up but I'm tired and there's a lot of things on my mind. - Waylon"

Yeah. Wow. Before I go on I want to let you know we a re going out still now. That was last Thursday.

That was probably the worst feeling I have ever had in my whole 18 years. There was 2 1/2 years with the person I care about more than anyone in the world gone. I almost threw up. My hands were shaking so bad, and I called Becca and read it to her, but didn't start crying until I got off the phone. It was like I was in shock for a while. Worst of all, we had a play Friday and Saturday and I was in it, so I had to do that. But the few hours during the play were the only times I felt alright. Outside of that I couldn’t eat or sleep or think about anything other than how much I wanted to be with him right then. But I did not cry as much as I did last year when we had a big fight about something I don’t want to get off track about right now. And I think it is because then I though "This is it, we are over for sure, no hope." But everything ended up being ok. This time I felt like I just needed to talk to him so I did. I wrote him back and had a friend pass on the letter. I wont go through everything I wrote but I told him to come talk to me Sunday.

Well he didn't so I called and said "Come talk to me pleeease." And Monday evening we talked. Struggled to talk, but managed.

The most horrible hour or so ever. We lied on my bed in the dark in silence for about 30 minutes and I just wanted to grab him and kiss him and lay there with him like that forever and I couldn't. It took me forever to make myself talk, and was just as hard to get him to talk, but we did a little. Enough.

I asked him why he was doing this. It was so hard to get him to talk. He said he didn't want to tell me because it was too hard and he wasn't good at talking. Good thing I am persistent.

The worst feeling in the world is knowing that you make the one person you love more than anyone in the world feel like shit on a regular basis.

I say things all the time that bother him, like when I am talking to friends about someone and I say I think they are stupid for doing this or saying that, and this bothers him because he usually always feels the way the other person does, so would I think he is stupid too? That is the problem. That and I make him feel stupid all the time about school and stuff when I bother him about getting his GED and things like that. He said I do this all the time, and he just doesn’t feel the same way about things. Not big things like sex or drugs or something, but a whole lot of little things.

Yes, it is the worst feeling in the world when your boyfriend/ex-boyfriend tells you that he doesn't like the way you make him feel. Someone have a shovel? I have a deep hole to dig.

So I bawled my little eyes out, and he cried too and there we were, my bed sheets full of eye juice.

Me- "I'm sorry (repeat 100,000 X's)

You are NOT stupid, I just want you to get your GED because you are too smart not to. Way too smart. I'm sorry I say things that hurt your feelings all the time, I didn't know, I won't do it anymore I swear. I promise, please. You probably just misunderstood me because people do that all the time. I never think before I speak and I always sound like a bitch, I just need to watch how I say things. Please, I'm sorry, I love yoooouuuu!" All of which is true.

He said it would be stupid for me to change the way I feel about something and he wasn't going to make me do that and other stuff that is true. This is so hard to type out everything. I am leaving things out and everything.

But I know exactly what he means about everything he said and he is right about it all. And I promised him I wouldn't make he feel like shit anymore.

I am conscience of the fact that most of the time when I am talking about something, most of what I say is not well thought out before it is spoken, and I am constantly taken the wrong way. And many times I will think back and be like "I was so stupid for saying that." And I can think of so many things I remember saying in the past that probably bothered him a lot and he wouldn't tell me because he said he didn't want me to think he was stupid and it was too hard, etc. So this whole time all my insecurities were nothing compared to his and I make him feel like poo all the time and I know he is just not saying these things because I can see his point soooo clearly. So I swore I million times I wouldn't do it anymore. Before he had to leave he said he would try to be my peoples again. :)

I keep thinking back on problems I have had with him here and there and now I know what the problem was. Of course he is not perfect. He does typical boy things that bother me here and there, but oh well. He's a boy.

So I am thinking, if I can fix this things we will be perfect. He is coming over Sunday. I will be more conscience of my mouth. I don't want to be someone he doesn't like how he feels around.

I love him a million times more now. I hope I don't fuck things up.